When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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