Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
