Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
