when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
