Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
