Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
