You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I have aggressive nipples.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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