he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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