We got so high we made milksteak
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
