Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
