Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
