grandma shit on top of the toilet
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
