Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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