i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
