After last night, I could never be a politician.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Randomize
