You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
