I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
