saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
