dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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