imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
