the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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