with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
