conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
