Your dad touched me again.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize