I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize