my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
