I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
