the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
