Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
false alarm, still single
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
