My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
