we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
