Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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