so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
