Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
