my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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