My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
