This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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