my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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