Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
