Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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