there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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