pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
