we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
