He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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