We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
