Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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