Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
