I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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