Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
