on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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