12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
