you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
