1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize