i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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