EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
