I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
