hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You may now shotgun with the bride
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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