I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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