It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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