I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
