saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
