Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
