I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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