Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
