There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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