you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
