i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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