If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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