I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
